Matters In Hand Judye L Margetts.   Grief can destroy resilience and resiliences character. Revive Your Resilience Home About Judye Your Investment Services Therapy Maintenance of Resilience Workshops Members Only Location and Contact Links Matters in Hand - North Balwyn Psychology Clinic - 398 Balwyn Road, North Balwyn Victoria 3104 Australia Mental Health Aged Care   Carer Counselling         Perseverance, Resilience, Vision Maintaining Resilience Helping Others with their emotional pain, or grief. Many people naturally experience various levels of shock and grief as a result of the trauma, tradgedy or personally distressing events. Many people seek to know how to deal with such events, while others who are family or friends seek to know how they can help their loved ones following a disaster. Maintaining our resilience or assisting others to maintain resilience is not as easy as promoting positive thinking, because resilience is a dynamic and multi layered style of functioning. While the merits of positive thinking can never be underestimated, positive thinking is just one of the many facets that make up resilience. It is essential to recognise that there is a gap that exists for people who have been exposed to distressing events, traumatic events, or the toxic emotions of others. This gap exists between the stability of "what was" (before the event) and the reality of "what is" (now). This gap can contribute to the loss of resilience and may even trigger depression or anxiety. The feedback we get from others during this time, where emotional adjustment is necessary, will determine how supported and resilient we can become following distressing events. Indeed every adverse event in life has the potential to cause distress to someone.When most people are faced with distressing or upsetting events their natural tendency is to try to uplift themselves or others as quickly as possible. Often we look for being positive as the solution - the idea being that once they (or the other person) feel happier they will forget or move on from their distress. Unfortunately, this does not happen very often. Time and feedback are important factors in getting through this time of emotional adjustment following distressing events. This time may range from a few minutes to a few days or a few months. This time is necessary for the individual who experienced the event to process their reaction to the changes the traumatic/distressing event initiated.  The feedback (what you say and do) in your interactions with another person is essential in this process. So as each person makes the changes in their own time and space, it is important to allow yourself or someone else the space and time to process painful or distressing emotions. This does not mean that you should leave them alone however. Sometimes just "being there" can be very supportive. Here are some tips that can help you support those who you wish to support. This is not an endless list and there are many other very good sites that provide essential resources and tips to assist you. One of the ways you can assist someone else to process emotions is to allow the person, who needs to process their grief or distress, to share their stories for as little or as much time as they require. Other ways to processing grief, toxic emotions, or traumatic/distressing events includes, Treating the distressed person with respect, even though you may not understand what they are doing or saying. Being calm, clear and empathic can be helpful, and remember no one really knows how anyone else feels at any time, let alone at times of trauma, distress and times of grief. You can also help the person to normalise their feelings by letting them know their responses are normal - that's okay. Remember, that more often than not there are generally no immediate or perfect solutions that will heal the emotional pain arising from distressing or traumatic events - and that's okay. Sadness and grief are ways we begin to develop clarity and develop new meaning, so staying with the grief a little can help, but this also needs to be balanced with some moderate activity (walking or some exercise, perhaps reading, or a relaxation activity). Take time to ask them what they feel would help them and find how they would like to manage their situation.